Caveat: This one is really deep and spiritual and very personal. Don’t make assumptions about me, you or anyone after reading this. IF unclear, consult me, God, your pastor, my pastor. Once again, this blog is just a small percentage of my life, doesn’t represent my whole and I’m just feeling emo and very deep at this point of time. Take with
a pinchwhole lot of salt. Xx
The devotional material (Every Day with Jesus, One Year, Bread for the Journey) I’m currently reading really speaks to my heart about the current dark spiritual period I’m facing.
The devotion today talks about how darkness exists to develop character. I para-phrase from Oswald Chambers, “God can take a single moment to make a heart pure but it takes a lifetime to develop character.” Character is precious because of the struggles, the contradictions, the battles fought to obtain in. Amen.
My God has been speaking to me over the course of this dark times. More recently, also from devotion material, from a story of how a woman heard the spirit telling her during winter, “next summer’s apple’s are already on the tree”. I knew that it’s meant for me as well.
But, how do I put it across? I’m like at the end of my tank. Spiritually dry and burnt. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been attending Sunday services because 1. I don’t have the discipline. 2. This probably sounds like an excuse but I may not have people to accompany me so I’ll be alone & awkward. 3. Increasingly affected by the burdens I face that I willingly escape from.
Yet to be perfectly honest, even when I attended Sunday services (when I started to experience spiritual darkness) it wasn’t as though I was more spiritually refreshed by comparison.
There is a process but when it came to a point where I’d being more stoic and just less susceptible to crying / affected by whatever people said/commented/behaved, it seemed like no matter what I was hearing or reading from God, I was just cynical about it. Well, to be honest, I’m perhaps more stoic and cynical now.
I want to believe that “next summer’s apples are already on the tree”. I do believe. But I don’t. Simply because the current odds are too overwhelming for me. All I can see is how I am failing in my character. The pull from church is getter weaker and I am slowly drifting away…
So many nights I have chucked the thoughts I needed to sort, away from my mind. There are so many things I should be doing. But I am tired of doing. And I am doing the bare minimum. I keep asking God, why does this have to happen to me? It’s unfair. I’m tired (even after sleeping for 12 hours because I’m tired of facing things I don’t wanna face, I can sleep forever). Why can’t you just let me see the light at the end of the tunnel?
It’s as clear as day.
I need to buck up, pull up my socks. Ring an alarm, ask for help. Pray.
Stop avoid church and church people, make more friends. Pray for more church friends who are willing to stick it out with me. Support me, pray with me.
I guess why I bothered to post this is so that I will stop pushing these thoughts away from my mind and take action now.
I heard a message preached today that as Christians we are told to obey before understanding. Obey even if we don’t understand. Because in time to come it will all make sense. Faith in God, is after all believing in the things unseen.
I need to know that this will all work out. I want to stop behaving like an irresponsible coward. Its so tough man. It’s really easier to just cower back into my own room and sleep away the weekends.
I need to know God can help me through all these. That I will be stronger. That He is training my character. To have more faith. To be more virtuous.
I have my doubts. That these will be words alone. That I will continue to suffer this spiritual leprosy/lameness/lethargy forever on end.